I didn't know you, yet I am intrigued with your last photo.
To pass you by in life would have meant nothing at the time, yet your mother is part of my son's upbringing.
In any other circumstance I wouldn't have known you. You would have lived your life and I, mine, except I was shown a picture.
Pictures are said to say a thousands words yet I am almost speechless.
I don't know where the picture was taken but feel the moment. The one moment you may have been observed by God and not even been aware of it.
I don't know where you were going when the picture was taken, yet, I know where you are now.
I'll be keeping this as a reminder to live, love and be happy right now.
I know you're mother must be grief ridden but I hope she knows there was something more important for you to do.
Rest in Peace and thank you for that one glimpse at what you saw that day.
(Once I find the disk which will load my scanner back to my computer, I will post the picture that was taken 3 hours before this person dies).
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Day two and three
On the second day, (had I studied that book I would know what happened on the second day, but I didn't and I don't).
I feel as though I should study the good book a bit closer these days. I don't know what it is but something is telling me that we're going to be in for a battle and I'm not sure that natural weapons are going to be of any use.
Ever read the book The Secret? I haven't read the whole thing from cover to cover only because I know the gist of the story and I've experienced it. I also believe that I've seen purgatory but that's a story for another time. I think that my experience with the secret is better told once we know each other better too. There is a secret out there and that's a fact but I don't think we're supposed to talk about it what we know or how we do it. But, that's just me and it's late tonight.
On the second day (of My conquest of being recovering smoker) I broke down and smoked. But I'm not feeling like telling that story right now. I'd rather talk about cheaters but really am not ready to face those emotions yet. What I'd like to write about is the time...
Opening my eye's after my siesta... awesome! No fade to black here it's a fade into brilliant light and the afternoon sun of the beach. I'd been drooling a little and looked around to make sure no one was noticing but there really weren't many people on the beach that day. Slowly looking around and brushing the sand off my hand consciousness began to fill my reality. MAN do my calves hurt when I move them! The only part of my body sticking out of the shade of the beach umbrella were my lower legs... yea, they got burnt.
Rolling over and stretching I clenched my feet and released them, then clenched the muscles in my calves and released them. Did the same thing all the way up my body and oooohhhhh what a way to end a nap and relax. There's nothing like walking at waters edge as the surf rolls in and out, feet sinking in the following sand and I let that water roll right up and sooth those sun burnt calves. Envigorating.
No worries or cares in the world and I walked that beach. You ever just walked, like you were leaving worries and cares and responsibilities behind? Ever been relaxed to where the people that know you realize THE YOU? That's a bit how I feel walking this beach.
Rolling surf, sun reflecting off the ocean and that breeze... it's a breeze that takes your breath with it as it whips past.
Toward the end of the beach is a wall and I couldn't tell what it was at first but as I got closer it was obviously rock and sand. More rock than sand but it's all the same - Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking but I can tell you that I wasn't wearing shoes and I decided to head up that wall and see what was on the other side.
(To be continued...)
I feel as though I should study the good book a bit closer these days. I don't know what it is but something is telling me that we're going to be in for a battle and I'm not sure that natural weapons are going to be of any use.
Ever read the book The Secret? I haven't read the whole thing from cover to cover only because I know the gist of the story and I've experienced it. I also believe that I've seen purgatory but that's a story for another time. I think that my experience with the secret is better told once we know each other better too. There is a secret out there and that's a fact but I don't think we're supposed to talk about it what we know or how we do it. But, that's just me and it's late tonight.
On the second day (of My conquest of being recovering smoker) I broke down and smoked. But I'm not feeling like telling that story right now. I'd rather talk about cheaters but really am not ready to face those emotions yet. What I'd like to write about is the time...
Opening my eye's after my siesta... awesome! No fade to black here it's a fade into brilliant light and the afternoon sun of the beach. I'd been drooling a little and looked around to make sure no one was noticing but there really weren't many people on the beach that day. Slowly looking around and brushing the sand off my hand consciousness began to fill my reality. MAN do my calves hurt when I move them! The only part of my body sticking out of the shade of the beach umbrella were my lower legs... yea, they got burnt.
Rolling over and stretching I clenched my feet and released them, then clenched the muscles in my calves and released them. Did the same thing all the way up my body and oooohhhhh what a way to end a nap and relax. There's nothing like walking at waters edge as the surf rolls in and out, feet sinking in the following sand and I let that water roll right up and sooth those sun burnt calves. Envigorating.
No worries or cares in the world and I walked that beach. You ever just walked, like you were leaving worries and cares and responsibilities behind? Ever been relaxed to where the people that know you realize THE YOU? That's a bit how I feel walking this beach.
Rolling surf, sun reflecting off the ocean and that breeze... it's a breeze that takes your breath with it as it whips past.
Toward the end of the beach is a wall and I couldn't tell what it was at first but as I got closer it was obviously rock and sand. More rock than sand but it's all the same - Couldn't tell you what I'm thinking but I can tell you that I wasn't wearing shoes and I decided to head up that wall and see what was on the other side.
(To be continued...)
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
My journey to a smoke free me.
Funny, I've been here multiple times, wanting to quit smoking but not really being very serious about it. It's not illegal right? So, why would I want to quit?
Smoking has been an escape or rebellion for me from the 6th grade. I think at 9 or 10 years old I tried smoking for the first time. Back then it was cool though. Steeling a smoke from your parents (in my case, good ole Mom) was part of growing up. 9 or 10 was also the first time I ever got high but that'll be in a different one of these "blogs" if I like this one.
I remember living at the Pepper Tree apartments in Tempe, maybe it was the Park Tree apartments, yea... that's what it was. Pepper Tree was off Arizona Avenue and where I met my friend Mike McCann, my first best friend which actually started out in a fight but then became a close friendship. Anyway, back to the Park Tree Apartments... my Mom would write a note for me and I would ride my Huffy up to 7-11, hand the note to the cashier and he or she (normally he) would hand me a pack of Benson & Hedges Light 100's which I would carry back to my mom, along with the bag of cheese puffs or jelly bird eggs and the orange drink that 7-11 sold at the time. Smokes were $1.10 back then. I don't remember how much money my mom would give me to get that stuff but I do remember that there was enough to stop and the laundromat nextdoor to play centepede and pac-man. A few times even but sometimes we had slugs from the construction site that was between home and the store that would work in the video game.
Wow, the construction site... another good memory.
I never opened the pack of smokes on the way home though, that would've been stupid.
My apartment friend Donald's parents use to smoke to and he used to get them all the time. See, his mom worked nights. I always thought it was because she was alergic to the sun and that's why she worked as a "cocktail waitress"... What the fuck is a cocktail waitress, I thought back then. I thought she was really a hooker because of the little bunny outfit she wore but maaaaaaannnnnn was whe HOT!
Donald's parents had a their apartment painted either really dark blue or black, all I really remember is that it WAS dark. Wait maybe this was Shawns parents -- Yea, it was. I never really met Donald's Dad, just his mom. Shawn's mom was HOT! I didn't even fully understand what sex was then but I knew how I felt when I saw that bunny suit --- whew... hold on. HA! just kidding... you thought I was rubbin' one out didn't you! Pervert.
Shawn's parents didn't do the laundry very often from what I remember. They had a huge pile of clothes on their dresser. One day we went in there and Shawn reached his hand way in the bottom of the pile -- My mom really kept a clean house so I couldn't imagine what he was diggin' for -- pantie's? The Bunny suit? Who the fuck knew... but what he pulled out of there was a pack of nuddie playing cards and a Dildo! I didn't know the word dildo back then though - shit I didn't even know what I was looking at for that matter. But I figured it out quick for sure.
Back then we were supposed to be back home by the time the street light came on. I don't know about you but I was gone from the time my mom went to work, to dinner time and then to when the street lights came on. During school I'd be at school of course. So, I only ever saw Shawn's mom at night when we spent the night over at his house. He had bunk beds and there normally were a few of us that would spend the night at the same time.
We would listen to Wolf Man Jack on the radio at night and we'd call in and request songs and I think one of us got on the radio one time even. It was cool. I'm trying to remember the song we all wanted to here though -- I can hear it in my mind but just can't write it down.
We'd all fall asleep and wake up in the morning to breakfast -- yep... Shawn's mom made breakfast too. I don't remember it being any good and I don't remember her looking great in the morning either but who am I.
You know, back then smoking was just a cool thing. I never wanted to admit it until just now but that's what it was. Like a dare. You weren't going to be the one that didn't do it, you just did it even if you didn't inhale. But then Donald had these things that smelled real sweet called cloves.
And do you know that we rode our bikes to Mill Ave and bought cloves from the drug store that was there! I don't think it's there anymore but shit, we were 10 or so and buying cloves. We wouldn't smoke them straight out of the store though. Oh, no... we'd get back to our fort, which was actually a ditch with Oleanders that grew over the top of it. No one really knew you were down there though and you could do whatever kids do down there. We smoked cloves.
Wow, those things tasted soooo sweet on your lips even before you lit them. Then you lit 'em and tasted that little bit of heavy sweet smoke. Ahhhhh, then you'd open up your lungs and --- HOLY SHIT!!! ****COUGHING FIT***** I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!! CCCUCUUUUGGGHGHH!!!!!
Yea, cloves sucked. I think I smoked 4 or 5 of those bitches in my lifetime and that's it.
Hmm, smoking back then really wasn't smoking... I didn't enjoy having a smoke at 10 years old, are you kidding me? I smoked to show I could do it. I wasn't afraid of nothin'! Except people not liking me, getting kidnapped by snaggletooth and raped but that's about it. I was a punk 10 year old trying to be bigger than I was.
I'm not sure if that's because I always had to lie about my age when we lived at these apartment complex's or because that's just how kids are. But I was always supposed to tell people I was older than I was.
Maybe it was so that we could swim in the pool of the apartments -- Ahhhh the pool.
I'll leave us both with this memory... The pool of Park Tree apartments was refreshing as a kid but my Mom always told us that if anyone asked, I had to say I was 14 so that I could be there without "adult" supervision. But there was one time inparticular that I remember swimming and having a great time. Remember... we were young boys so, part of swimming in this pool was to drop your drawers and swim to the bottom and back up. That summer was different. That pool was so dark, no one would have known if you were naked or not anyway! One of the guys said he went to the bottom and came up with a handful of poop! Did he do it or was it actually already there??? I don't know.
This is my first blog which I'm doing more so to share my thoughts and emotion as I withdraw from nicotine. I don't know if it'll be rough or easy but I think that writing out a lot of my experiences with smoking will let that part of my life go and it'll take up time from where I would normally been outside smoking.
If you read it... let me know what you think or if you've done the same thing and if there's things that will help with the withdrawals.
I'll catch you tomorrow... I have one smoke left which I'm saving for tomorrow's ride to work.
See ya.
Smoking has been an escape or rebellion for me from the 6th grade. I think at 9 or 10 years old I tried smoking for the first time. Back then it was cool though. Steeling a smoke from your parents (in my case, good ole Mom) was part of growing up. 9 or 10 was also the first time I ever got high but that'll be in a different one of these "blogs" if I like this one.
I remember living at the Pepper Tree apartments in Tempe, maybe it was the Park Tree apartments, yea... that's what it was. Pepper Tree was off Arizona Avenue and where I met my friend Mike McCann, my first best friend which actually started out in a fight but then became a close friendship. Anyway, back to the Park Tree Apartments... my Mom would write a note for me and I would ride my Huffy up to 7-11, hand the note to the cashier and he or she (normally he) would hand me a pack of Benson & Hedges Light 100's which I would carry back to my mom, along with the bag of cheese puffs or jelly bird eggs and the orange drink that 7-11 sold at the time. Smokes were $1.10 back then. I don't remember how much money my mom would give me to get that stuff but I do remember that there was enough to stop and the laundromat nextdoor to play centepede and pac-man. A few times even but sometimes we had slugs from the construction site that was between home and the store that would work in the video game.
Wow, the construction site... another good memory.
I never opened the pack of smokes on the way home though, that would've been stupid.
My apartment friend Donald's parents use to smoke to and he used to get them all the time. See, his mom worked nights. I always thought it was because she was alergic to the sun and that's why she worked as a "cocktail waitress"... What the fuck is a cocktail waitress, I thought back then. I thought she was really a hooker because of the little bunny outfit she wore but maaaaaaannnnnn was whe HOT!
Donald's parents had a their apartment painted either really dark blue or black, all I really remember is that it WAS dark. Wait maybe this was Shawns parents -- Yea, it was. I never really met Donald's Dad, just his mom. Shawn's mom was HOT! I didn't even fully understand what sex was then but I knew how I felt when I saw that bunny suit --- whew... hold on. HA! just kidding... you thought I was rubbin' one out didn't you! Pervert.
Shawn's parents didn't do the laundry very often from what I remember. They had a huge pile of clothes on their dresser. One day we went in there and Shawn reached his hand way in the bottom of the pile -- My mom really kept a clean house so I couldn't imagine what he was diggin' for -- pantie's? The Bunny suit? Who the fuck knew... but what he pulled out of there was a pack of nuddie playing cards and a Dildo! I didn't know the word dildo back then though - shit I didn't even know what I was looking at for that matter. But I figured it out quick for sure.
Back then we were supposed to be back home by the time the street light came on. I don't know about you but I was gone from the time my mom went to work, to dinner time and then to when the street lights came on. During school I'd be at school of course. So, I only ever saw Shawn's mom at night when we spent the night over at his house. He had bunk beds and there normally were a few of us that would spend the night at the same time.
We would listen to Wolf Man Jack on the radio at night and we'd call in and request songs and I think one of us got on the radio one time even. It was cool. I'm trying to remember the song we all wanted to here though -- I can hear it in my mind but just can't write it down.
We'd all fall asleep and wake up in the morning to breakfast -- yep... Shawn's mom made breakfast too. I don't remember it being any good and I don't remember her looking great in the morning either but who am I.
You know, back then smoking was just a cool thing. I never wanted to admit it until just now but that's what it was. Like a dare. You weren't going to be the one that didn't do it, you just did it even if you didn't inhale. But then Donald had these things that smelled real sweet called cloves.
And do you know that we rode our bikes to Mill Ave and bought cloves from the drug store that was there! I don't think it's there anymore but shit, we were 10 or so and buying cloves. We wouldn't smoke them straight out of the store though. Oh, no... we'd get back to our fort, which was actually a ditch with Oleanders that grew over the top of it. No one really knew you were down there though and you could do whatever kids do down there. We smoked cloves.
Wow, those things tasted soooo sweet on your lips even before you lit them. Then you lit 'em and tasted that little bit of heavy sweet smoke. Ahhhhh, then you'd open up your lungs and --- HOLY SHIT!!! ****COUGHING FIT***** I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!! CCCUCUUUUGGGHGHH!!!!!
Yea, cloves sucked. I think I smoked 4 or 5 of those bitches in my lifetime and that's it.
Hmm, smoking back then really wasn't smoking... I didn't enjoy having a smoke at 10 years old, are you kidding me? I smoked to show I could do it. I wasn't afraid of nothin'! Except people not liking me, getting kidnapped by snaggletooth and raped but that's about it. I was a punk 10 year old trying to be bigger than I was.
I'm not sure if that's because I always had to lie about my age when we lived at these apartment complex's or because that's just how kids are. But I was always supposed to tell people I was older than I was.
Maybe it was so that we could swim in the pool of the apartments -- Ahhhh the pool.
I'll leave us both with this memory... The pool of Park Tree apartments was refreshing as a kid but my Mom always told us that if anyone asked, I had to say I was 14 so that I could be there without "adult" supervision. But there was one time inparticular that I remember swimming and having a great time. Remember... we were young boys so, part of swimming in this pool was to drop your drawers and swim to the bottom and back up. That summer was different. That pool was so dark, no one would have known if you were naked or not anyway! One of the guys said he went to the bottom and came up with a handful of poop! Did he do it or was it actually already there??? I don't know.
This is my first blog which I'm doing more so to share my thoughts and emotion as I withdraw from nicotine. I don't know if it'll be rough or easy but I think that writing out a lot of my experiences with smoking will let that part of my life go and it'll take up time from where I would normally been outside smoking.
If you read it... let me know what you think or if you've done the same thing and if there's things that will help with the withdrawals.
I'll catch you tomorrow... I have one smoke left which I'm saving for tomorrow's ride to work.
See ya.
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